Many are the plans in a man's heart...

But it is the Lord's purpose that prevails. (proverbs 19:21)

Yeah, we've had lots of plans - we want to finish our fenced in patio, pour a sidewalk from the house to the machine shed, plant some trees, redo our main bath - complete with a tub deep enough for soaking, replace the deteriorating shower in our master bath, get new carpet on the main floor, finish the basement and the most exciting of them all - for our vacation this year... take our kids for 2 "firsts": first time on an airplane and first seeing the ocean. Well... those were the plans WE had, but it doesn't look like these things will happen. I pray that the Lord does have a purpose in this. I'm reminding myself to be anxious for nothing... but I find myself feeling quite anxious. I woke up the other morning dizzy and nauseous and this doesn't happen very often, but when it does it seems I am nearly always stirred up about something big or a lot of little somethings.

We are the kind of family that has to work very hard for what we have and while we live a comfortable life and our NEEDS are always met, the finances are usually pretty tight. My husband's company announced recently that they would no longer be matching 401K. FOOEY. That kinda stinks because they already told him that nobody gets the bonuses or pay raises they were promised. With the economy as is, we are sincerely grateful that we have a source of income right now - many people have been laid off and are losing their homes and can't find work and have no idea how they will even provide for their family. It breaks my heart that times are so tough. I thought that after Christmas when my sales were so fantastic and I heard complaints all around about how sales were down. I guess I shouldn't have been so foolish to think that it wouldn't catch up with us too - lots of people are hurtin'.

For whatever reason (divine subliminal thoughts?) I got it in my mind this last week that I should begin looking for a part time job. I know, I am running my soap business... but it would seem that people are buying necessities more than "extras" right now so things have been pretty slow for me. My January sales were just sad and I actually felt concerned about how the dollars would stretch - but I made it ok and am praying that things begin looking up for February and the months to follow into the spring. I don't know... I just feel I need to be smart about this and I am capable of contributing to this family, so why not? So, I talked to honey man about it and of course he doesn't love the idea of me going out and looking for work, but realizes that it really would help our family. We've got a child getting ready to start college in the fall and wow... it's a bit overwhelming. I got online and found some job openings for part time office positions that I thought looked promising. All applications and resumes have been submitted, so now I guess I just wait for someone to decide they are impressed by my credentials and call me for an interview. It's been a seriously long time since I've applied for a job (about 5 years) so I had to update my resume. This presented a challenge because I couldn't remember specific dates. Geesh... some of these work experiences were a loooong time ago. But... I did get it done and got them sent off for all 5 potential positions.

The day after I made the decision to look for part time work it became clear to me why I felt the need to do this. Honey got a call saying that all employees in his company will be taking a 5% pay cut. WHAT?? pay CUT??? UGH!!! You cannot be serious. I guess for a couple of days I just felt numb about it like... "what can we do... they took away our retirement, now they're taking away $$" I think it's finally sinking in. We called and had our investment company quit taking $ out of our paycheck to put into 401K. It really kinda makes me sick, because one day we are going to need that, but we need it now to supplement what's been taken away. You just do what you gotta do, right? Surely the Lord has a fabulous plan and his purpose will prevail in the end! I trust that it will, because he has been proven faithful to our family time and again. Praise Him for that!!

Looking at the glass half full... they are cutting back travel expenses and my man will only travel away from home 1 week out of the next 4, I guess that's good. Ok, that maybe lightens the blow a little. ?? Trying to think positive here. :) Please pray for my potential job opportunities, and especially for my husband, that he wouldn't be angry and discouraged, and that our needs will continue to be met and that our eyes are wide open to what it is that we're supposed to be learning or gaining from this trial. Right now it just feels like a trial and not a blessing - but my prayer is that God will turn it into one in His time.

Chilled....

BRR.... it's cold here, 37 degrees over night and a high today of around 70 - that's an improvement from the initial forecast that gave a high of 58. I do love fall though, so I can't even complain... it's just that it seems so crazy to turn on the furnace on October 16th. :) I think what's worst about it is that Luke is a stinker about the thermostat in our house, we're supposed to be comfortable in the summer with a house that's close to 80 degrees, but then in a matter of a few weeks we expect our bodies to adjust to 67. I know that I can speak for most women when I say... "I don't think so!" I guess I'm a wimp. ha ha. But seriously, I think my body thermostat has issues, because it's a rare thing that I'm comfortable, I'm either hot or cold. I know... old age does that to a person. Tina has never been exposed to such extreme temperatures (100 in the summer and 30 and below in the winter)so she is really whining about how cold it is. I think she asked me 3 times yesterday when we could go shopping for some warmer clothes for her, so I told her we'll go buy a coat and some sweatshirts this weekend.

Speaking of chilled, I guess I'm more chilled since my last post. My bloodwork came back normal and even showed that I'm not showing any signs of early menopause - which is a relief cuz I was starting to wonder about that. So, that's good news, but then what is causing the swollen optic nerves? I did get an appointment for the neurologist on November 1st, so I hope that I'll get answers then. I wanna know about the cyst and I hope he'll be able to tell me more about it from looking at the MRI. I guess the way I feel about it is that the neurologists look at this stuff every day so they should be more trained to know what is there since they have others to compare with. I find that encouraging somehow. So for now I am chilled. :)

Uncertainty (long post, sorry)

Uncertainty ~ The quality or state of being uncertain. Falling short of certainty to an almost complete lack of conviction or knowledge especially about an outcome or result.

Uncertain is what I am right now and it's driving me crazy! It all started with a routine eye exam the last week of September. I've been having slight headaches and feeling like I am straining to have clear vision. My vision is fine, it's unchanged - but when doing the visual acuities he discovered a couple of blind spots in the peripheral vision of my left eye, so he decided to take a closer look. His discovery was that I have swollen optic nerves - also known as papiledema. What does this mean and why do I have it?

My doctor was very kind and patient in his explanation that generally papiledema is symptomatic of another problem. The swelling of the optic nerve is most commonly due to increased intracranial pressure. (pressure in the head,excessive spinal fluid or some such thing) It could be caused from something as simple as a reaction to medication or something as complex as a brain tumor. Well I'm not on any medication that would do this, so I start to feel nervous. He said that he didn't want to alarm me, but that I defnitely should have it checked out, so he called my family doctor for a referral for an MRI.

MRI's - if you've never had one, consider yourself lucky. It's not painful... it's just that the room was freezing cold and you're shoved into this tube for long periods of time and you can't move or flinch. Of course this is the time that you have a fuzzy on your nose, you have to sneeze or worse yet... you have to use the restroom. UGH! After 2 hours worth of this and having them poke around trying to inject dye into my veins for the final tests, I was done and ready to get the heck out of there. I told Luke that I think our government could use MRI's as a form of torture to get people to talk. Just give them about 6 cups of coffee,strip them down and spray them with water and send them into that cold machine for 2 hours without a bathroom break. I think it would be a quite effective method!!

My sweet husband was kind enough to take me to IHOP for breakfast, though I admit I wasn't very good company. I trust God with my life... but in my humanity my mind was going wild! "Are those tests gonna show a brain tumor? Am I gonna die? But I want to live to see my kids graduate, get married.... I wanna be here to enjoy my grandchildren... I'm only 37!" I really can only explain this state of being as torturous. I'm not generally a very patient person, something I'm not proud of... but the waiting for these test results about put me over the edge.I don't think doctors understand our mental state in these types of situations otherwise they would feel a sense of urgency about calling us with test results!

I finally got a call from my doctor 4 days later. (that was a long weekend) For some reason he was irritated that he had been asked to refer me for an MRI without seeing me. I don't know what he thought he was going to do when he got me there... look at my optic nerves to confirm they were indeed swollen? DUH! He said something about since he hadn't seen me in the office and we were trying to do this all over the phone... (so!?) then he proceeded to tell me that he doesn't think his patients realize how much time it takes to fill out the paperwork to make those test referrals. (Translated, "I'm irritated with you because you didn't pay me for an office visit and I'm having to mess with you!") Ok... WHATEVER! At this point he's about got me in tears because I think I could die and he's worried about a $57.00 office visit. (jerk) There's more to that conversation, but long story short the MRI did NOT show a brain tumor or aneurism or any signs of Multiple Sclerosis, which is the big things they were ruling out. Praise God for that!

What the MRI did show - I have a cyst on my brain. What?! Apparently this small cyst has been there for a while, but I don't know how long. I don't know where it is exactly, or what type it is (there are several types, some to worry about and some not to worry about)So I had bloodwork done and am waiting for results to find out if there's a problem with my pituitary gland or if there is something else going on. And I'm currently waiting for an appointment with a neurologist to find out what the heck this cyst is doing there and what I need to do about it. Of course the soonest appointment I could get with them is in December which is 2 months from now - I could be insane from worry by then. UGH!!!!! I did find another neurologist that can get me in sometime in November so I'm waiting for them to call me and set the appointment. All I know is that it couldn't be soon enough for me!

My husband is the best. I don't know how many people he's got praying for me, but I know there are people I've never even heard of that are praying. I mostly need God to calm my heart and help me to trust him with the outcome as I wait to find out what is really going on with me. I'll be honest, I'm just a little scared. I need God to pour out his peace, mercy and grace over me - that I would rest in him as I wait. That's just so hard to do. I really have to force myself every day to get up and move. I'm lethargic and feel overcome with uncertainty and it is really difficult to deal with. When my eyes ache or I have a headache my mind races wondering if it's caused by something serious or if it's just a sinus or tension headache. I think about the dizzy spells I've had in the last couple of years and how forgetful I am sometimes and wonder if these things are random or a result of what I'm dealing with now. I don't wanna to make my family nuts talking about it so I mostly keep it to myself - I dont' want them to worry. It may be be NOTHING - but I am eager to be certain about what is or is not going on with me. Oh why does the time go so slow in situations like these?!

Anyway, it felt good to vent all this. This isn't the kind of thing you just talk about casually with an acquaintance in the grocery store and I think I just needed to express these emotions. I love the life God has given me. I'm not afraid to die, but I just wanna keep living it for a while longer. There may be nothing wrong with me (please God)- but life is uncertain, that's one thing I've learned from all this. Enjoy every day God's given you, trust Him with your life, and take nothing for granted.