Many are the plans in a man's heart...

But it is the Lord's purpose that prevails. (proverbs 19:21)

Yeah, we've had lots of plans - we want to finish our fenced in patio, pour a sidewalk from the house to the machine shed, plant some trees, redo our main bath - complete with a tub deep enough for soaking, replace the deteriorating shower in our master bath, get new carpet on the main floor, finish the basement and the most exciting of them all - for our vacation this year... take our kids for 2 "firsts": first time on an airplane and first seeing the ocean. Well... those were the plans WE had, but it doesn't look like these things will happen. I pray that the Lord does have a purpose in this. I'm reminding myself to be anxious for nothing... but I find myself feeling quite anxious. I woke up the other morning dizzy and nauseous and this doesn't happen very often, but when it does it seems I am nearly always stirred up about something big or a lot of little somethings.

We are the kind of family that has to work very hard for what we have and while we live a comfortable life and our NEEDS are always met, the finances are usually pretty tight. My husband's company announced recently that they would no longer be matching 401K. FOOEY. That kinda stinks because they already told him that nobody gets the bonuses or pay raises they were promised. With the economy as is, we are sincerely grateful that we have a source of income right now - many people have been laid off and are losing their homes and can't find work and have no idea how they will even provide for their family. It breaks my heart that times are so tough. I thought that after Christmas when my sales were so fantastic and I heard complaints all around about how sales were down. I guess I shouldn't have been so foolish to think that it wouldn't catch up with us too - lots of people are hurtin'.

For whatever reason (divine subliminal thoughts?) I got it in my mind this last week that I should begin looking for a part time job. I know, I am running my soap business... but it would seem that people are buying necessities more than "extras" right now so things have been pretty slow for me. My January sales were just sad and I actually felt concerned about how the dollars would stretch - but I made it ok and am praying that things begin looking up for February and the months to follow into the spring. I don't know... I just feel I need to be smart about this and I am capable of contributing to this family, so why not? So, I talked to honey man about it and of course he doesn't love the idea of me going out and looking for work, but realizes that it really would help our family. We've got a child getting ready to start college in the fall and wow... it's a bit overwhelming. I got online and found some job openings for part time office positions that I thought looked promising. All applications and resumes have been submitted, so now I guess I just wait for someone to decide they are impressed by my credentials and call me for an interview. It's been a seriously long time since I've applied for a job (about 5 years) so I had to update my resume. This presented a challenge because I couldn't remember specific dates. Geesh... some of these work experiences were a loooong time ago. But... I did get it done and got them sent off for all 5 potential positions.

The day after I made the decision to look for part time work it became clear to me why I felt the need to do this. Honey got a call saying that all employees in his company will be taking a 5% pay cut. WHAT?? pay CUT??? UGH!!! You cannot be serious. I guess for a couple of days I just felt numb about it like... "what can we do... they took away our retirement, now they're taking away $$" I think it's finally sinking in. We called and had our investment company quit taking $ out of our paycheck to put into 401K. It really kinda makes me sick, because one day we are going to need that, but we need it now to supplement what's been taken away. You just do what you gotta do, right? Surely the Lord has a fabulous plan and his purpose will prevail in the end! I trust that it will, because he has been proven faithful to our family time and again. Praise Him for that!!

Looking at the glass half full... they are cutting back travel expenses and my man will only travel away from home 1 week out of the next 4, I guess that's good. Ok, that maybe lightens the blow a little. ?? Trying to think positive here. :) Please pray for my potential job opportunities, and especially for my husband, that he wouldn't be angry and discouraged, and that our needs will continue to be met and that our eyes are wide open to what it is that we're supposed to be learning or gaining from this trial. Right now it just feels like a trial and not a blessing - but my prayer is that God will turn it into one in His time.

Jinny's Year End

YUCK. I hate year end. I have to go through all my reciepts and catch up all the book work that I didn't have time to do for the last umpteen months because I was too busy in the soap shop. Worst of all is that it's inventory and tax time. This year I had to take inventory in my shop and at my top selling retail location in Hays. Ciara made it a little less painful as she owed me 3 hours for the Christmas moolah she borrowed against her paycheck. Then I hauled her into town and fed her supper and took her shopping to bribe her into helping me at the store. :) It worked out pretty good. As luck would have it... my sales in this store were nearly triple what they've been in past months, so that means that 1. I am very happy to get a fat check and 2. Inventory was really easy to take there because it was so depleted. YAY!!!! :)

This year we have to have our taxes done early because we have a meeting at Ciara's school (in JANUARY!) for Financial Aid stuff for college. *SIGH* I feel squeezed. Having a high school senior is exhausting. I never realized how much there is to do. We've got the Senior Pix, ACT registration deadlines and test dates, scholarship application deadlines, cap and gown meetings.... the list goes on! I would have to proudly admit that I'm embracing this season of life and am excited for Ciara to move onto college. High School hasn't really been her "thing". I truly think that it's because of her Christian perspective on life. It's hard to be Godly when you're surrounded by people that swear, get drunk, do drugs, sleep around.... etc. I realize that this is no different than the a good portion of the rest of the world, but at least when she's in college she will have the ability to choose who to socialize with, not to mention that the "friend pool" is much deeper with there being 10,000 students at Ft. Hays and less than 100 students at her school. She has friends, but still... there are challenges. She's done quite well for herself this year though and has had a 4.0 GPA most of the first semester. There was the little incident where she was partnered for a huge group project in civics where the other 2 kids were below average students - thus preseting a huge challenge for her to get a good grade, I hate to say that they drug her down with them and it took her a really long time to pull that grade back up. I loathe stuff like that, the only thing worse is a teacher that keeps the whole class in from recess because one child was being a clown or acting up. Ciara vows that she is learning from these things and will not handle her class in such a way when she becomes a teacher. I'm so proud of her!!

So... Luke's brother and family were planning on coming down for New Year's Eve and day... but sadly, their kids were still sick. New Year's Day Luke got sick with flu type stuff and has been sick for 3 days. My parents both had flu symptoms yesterday and the nite before as well. UGH! :( No fun!! Luke has had such body aches and monster headaches too. He did wake up this morning saying he feels better... so I'm cautioning him to take it easy and not overdo it. Seems like whenever I'm sick and try to do too much I end up right back where I left off. I just woke Ciara up and she is complaining of being tired and having a bad headache. Oh boy... here we go!

I'll go into Hays today to pick up Brandon from church. They had an overnite youth thing... when I dropped him off there were about 3 other boys there so far. I've been praying for years for a close friend for him. A David and Jonathon type of friendship. Someone he is close to and loves and can relate to and have things in common with. He's never had a best friend - not since kindergarten. It's hard for a mom to watch her kids go through life searching for TRUE friendship. I'm hoping that he's connecting with the kids there. It would be nice if he had a friend that called and invited him to over or to go do something fun. The guys he's "friends" with now aren't really friends at all. They're flaky. Not a good kinda flaky like pie crust but flaky like... "you're only good enough to hang out with if my usual posse isn't around". Breaks my heart. He is close to his cousin, Robbie and I'm thankful for that. They have fun together, and try to get together to do stuff and hang out. I just want my kids to have a full, meaningful life, and meaninful relationships. Prayer is the key... because I can't make all of the rest happen for them. I sometimes wonder if we wouldn't have been better off sending our kids to a bigger Hays school??

So... enough rambling for today. The point is... once again... 2008 is OVER. I couldn't be more glad.

ZERO

Yup...it's zero here today. -17 if you consider the wind chill. BRRR.

This morning I went with Luke to his LAST doctor's appointment for the broken leg. I nearly froze to death getting in and out of the car, and wore my gloves inside the building. But the good news is that he is doing great and doesn't have to go back. WOO HOO!! Next year about this time if the screws are bothering him they can go in and remove them, but as long as he feels fine, he doesn't need to go back. I'm so thankful that a year later he is mostly back to normal with the exception of an overcalcified bone "bump" on his shin.


Now... back to the cold. I'm tired of it. Mostly because I hate going out in it and it's a total pain that Ciara's car is cold blooded and has lots of problems in the winter time. Last week while Luke was in Atlanta, Ciara's car door gunk froze up and her door wouldn't shut. This happens every year about this time. ANNOYING!!! So basically you have to find a way to warm it up enough to stoften the goo in the latch so it will move and stay shut. Also, it doesn't like to start sometimes and the steering wheel squeals its disapproval of the cold. If the car isn't properly warmed up (15-20 minutes) she may as well not even try to drive it because then it has steering problems and roars like a lion. Most recently, the speedometer refuses to function in the cold. UGH!!! Seriously. While I'm thankful that my daughter even has a vehicle to drive (1995 Chrysler Cirrus) I'm annoyed that my 2002 SUV is parked outside or in the machine shed because her little cold-blooded beast demands to be kept in my warm garage, you know the one with the automatic garage door opener. *Sigh* So of course Luke is leaving town again tomorrow for the week. Looks like I may have to just put her car in the machine shed and stake claims on my warm garage if I'm going to have to be driving the kids to school anyway. I just don't think it's worth the fight, because even if her car is warm in the morning, it won't be after it's sat in the parking lot at the highschool for 8 hours. So... say a little prayer for Ciara's car and all of our sanity, because even if we could afford to do something for her, we would never be able to sell her Cirrus this time of year with all it's problems. The key is if we can sell it in the spring ... make sure it's nice and clean so that the new owner won't find out for a while that it doesn't like water either and dies when you go through the car wash or a big mud puddle. ha ha. Poor Ciara, but at least she has wheels right? ;) About 75% of the time it's fantastic.

So... I'm looking forward to some warmer temperatures coming up this week. It's supposed to actually get into the 20's and 30's eventually. YAY!!

Trojan Horse

UGH! I feel really annoyed this morning. I'm considering singing a song for our Christmas program at church. "Adoration" by the Newsboys. So, I went online to download the song so I could listen to it and see if I could swing it or not... 3 times in 5 minutes I had to shut down my computer because of.... (drum roll please...) STUPID TROJAN HORSE!!


Trojan horse From Wikipedia
This article refers to a form of malware in computing terminology. For other meanings, see Trojan Horse (disambiguation)In the context of computing and software, a Trojan horse, also known as a trojan, is malware that appears to perform a desirable function but in fact performs undisclosed malicious functions. Therefore, a computer worm or virus may be a Trojan horse. The term is derived from the classical story of the Trojan Horse.


I kept getting the box of death saying the the Trojan Horse virus was found on my computer then I had to click the button to tell it to "clean all". Of course a restart is required every time this happens. SERIOUSLY!! I just feel so irritated that I'm trying to listen to a Christian song and have to get a virus. Why do people use their brains for evil? I never could understand this... if you're smart enough to write code to destroy people's computers or at least damage them... why wouldn't you use that talent to do something amazingly good? It's beyond me.

So, I don't know. Will I sing adoration at our Christmas "dinner show"? We'll see.

"Chicka Soup" ala Dr. mom...

Well, Ciara's had a nasty, wicked cold for about 10 days, she'll see the Doc tomorrow to find out if she needs to be drugged, I mean... medicated. :) And Luke had to cancel his flight to Atlanta on Tuesday, because he woke up and had the flu. Extreme stomach cramps and body aches. YUCK. Then today I got a call from the school that Brandon had vomited. So... YAY! I'm thinking, "wow, I'm the only one left that is healthy in this house, wonder how long that will last." So I was working in my soap shop, made 150 of the 300 small Fresh Snow lotions that are due for an order next week... and I start getting huge knots in my stomach. OH NO! I keep working... I must have thought to myself a thousand times how bad my stomach hurt, but I just kept going. I called it a day early and came upstairs for a little rest. Barely sat down and Ciara was home so I talked to her. She felt fine, other than her barky cough, thankfully. I decided that some homemade chicken noodle soup was in order. (or as Brandon used to say when he was a little guy, "chicka soup". I didn't make the noodles myself though, picked them up from the grocery store - some lady in Schoenchen makes them. I also snagged myself a couple bags of oyster crackers and some Sprite for the sickies.

Brandon slept all afternoon and woke up feeling quite a bit better. He was able to eat my scrumptious soup, as was Luke who is feeling much better today... and surprisingly, I felt a bit better this afternoon. We'll see what tomorrow brings. *sigh* I guess there are some nasty bugs going around right now. 'Tis the season eh? I hope this note finds you all well, and if you are... stay away from the sickies. :)

Love and hugs,

jami

I mean no disrespect Mr. President...

but I felt inclined to post a picture that expressed how I'm feeling this morning (minus a couple of horns)



I felt anxious as I switched on Fox News and saw that Obama had been declared President. Sick actually. But my vote was cast and the voices that are the loudest (those of the large, liberal eastern states) were heard and so I hope that President Obama is everything these people wish for him to be. Now his wife can FINALLY "be proud to be an American" for the first time ever. (note hint of sarcasm - and yes, she actually said that, and I quote, “for the first time in my adult lifetime I am really proud of my country. And not just because Barack has done well, but because I think people are hungry for change.” Michelle Obama) *sigh*

I, for one, will be seeking God's face on the matter and begging him to intercede on behalf of this great nation. It's totally in his hands.

"Ahh Sovereign Lord, you have made the heavens and the earth by your great power and outstretched arm... NOTHING is too hard for you." (Jeremiah 32:17)

GERMS... Yuck!

Germs... I'm probably spreading them all over my keyboard as we speak. YUCK! I'm so tired of all the kleenexes, and sneezing and perscriptions and... and... and. It's just not fun. This summer I had cold and allergy stuff, finally got over it and then Ciara started it, she got over it then Luke started it, then Brandon got it... then I got it again... then I was fine for about a month and I have it again! Geesh. I'm just tired of feeling crummy and sitting with kleenexes shoved up my nose. Hard to function like that. The last one I had was completely miserable. I almost couldn't see straight and my head weighed a hundred pounds. I felt like I was getting sinus infection - but it never really developed. I can't even really tell when it's a cold and when it's allergy stuff. I pretty much read all the boxes in my cabinet (makeshift drug store) and see which OTC drug will cover my symptoms. The schools are seeing lots of kids home with cold and flu stuff already too which is a month or 2 earlier than usual. School just started here on August 19th, so that's not a good thing that we're already into the sickness stuff.

I make fun of Luke sometimes because he is OBSESSED with Germ-X... but it's probably smart to do that. It's surpising to see the number of people that go into a public restroom and come out without washing, it's equally disgusting that I've lots of times watched people blow their noses then pick up food or do other equally gross things like touch stuff that will be used by others. I love that there are anti-bacterial wipes by the shopping carts now at the store. That should help cut down on the spreading of germs for sure. I wish the school would have germ-x sitting out for kids, then whn they throw a kleenex in the trash they could get a squirt and wipe out germs before they infect someone else. And... it's amazing how many kids actually go to school sick. I think just leaving your house makes you suseptible, but we can't just not ever go anywhere. (achoo! achoo! achoo!) - excuse me! Can't sneeze just once! So anyhoo... there are germs in our house, guess I'll go find me some Lysol and take care of business. (oh, and wash my hands!) Stay well. :)

Testing... Testing!

What's being tested is my patience. Thankfully my faith can't be shaken, so my patience and sanity is all that's left. We've had quite a fun time lately. (note hint of sarcasm) Here's a recap:

1. Getting ready for our Nebraska trip to see family - air conditioning goes out on the '02 Chevy Trailblazer.

2. We drive the "not so roomy" Toyota Tacoma to Springview, get home and decide that we'd like to trade our vehicle off instead of sinking more money into a gas guzzler. Visit the local Toyota dealer, spend 2 hours finding the "right" vehicle in which to trade and enter into a lease situation for, to find out that our trailblazer is basically worthless. The window sticker on this vehicle was $35,000 in 2002. We were told the trade value on this vehicle (only 6 years later) is $2,300 - but they're going to be generous (again, note hint of sarcasm) and give us $4,000 - oh please- don't do us any favors. We walk away.

3. We sleep on it - and the next a.m. - bummed that the deal didn't work out to trade for a Rav 4 - we decide that we're glad we actually like the blazer, minus the poor gas mileage, and so we take it to a chevy dealer to get the AC fixed. Also find out that we have a bad tie rod end, and 2 bad tires and that we'll need an alignment also. Grand total... $1,700. UGH.

4. After we drop the vehicle off, we come home to find out that we have no phone or internet service. (sigh) I am getting so tired of this. Every time the wind blows or it sprinkles, we lose service. So... we call a guy to come out and fix it.

5. I'm in the middle of goat milk soap batches and Ciara leaves to pick Brandon up from work at DQ - the phone rings... it's Ciara - she just got on interstate and has a flat tire. GOOD GRIEF!!!!

6. Luke leaves in his truck to go help Ciara. I try to call Brandon at work to let him know that Aunt Colleen is picking him up, but she'll be late since Ciara had car trouble. I have no phone service still... so I pick up my cell phone and it has a low battery. The phone guy wants to know what the password is for my internet router and the only person that has a clue is Luke, who is out changing Ciara's tire. So I plug in my phone and call him and get the password. I go to call Brandon - but have no number for DQ and it's not in the phone book so I have to call information first. (now I'm getting pretty grumpy.)

7. The phone guy says my phone works and is getting ready to leave. I ask about the internet service and he says that we're connected. I ask "are you sure? I can get my computer and check it." He says he just had his computer connected there at desk. I jokingly say, "so what's your address and phone number in case the internet doesn't work, that way I can hunt you down." We laugh and he leaves.

8. Luke gets home with Ciara and says that he got Ciara's car into town and that she will need new tires in addition to what he spent getting it back on the road.

9. I'm getting supper ready to throw on the grill and Luke discovers that he has low tires on his truck and that they're not holding air, so he has to plug 2 holes. (will it never end!?)

10. So at the end of the day when supper and dishes are done, (about 10 p.m.) I go to check my email and guess what? NO INTERNET!!!!!! (SCREAM!!!) So I get tech support on the phone and they have no record that someone has been here to work on our phone. No notes to let anyone know what the guy did or that he was even here. UGH!!! I was on the phone with tech support for over an hour before Luke got in the house from weed whipping and I let him take over trying to figure out why I have no wireless internet. 45 minutes later he's done and it's fixed. We sit in the chair to relax after a gruelling day and fall asleep. Wake up at 1:30 a.m. and go to bed.

Today has to be a better day, it couldn't be worse than yesterday for sure. So I'm gonna praise God for all that is right in our life and trust him with all that isn't.

My Dad. Cancer. These 2 things just don't belong in the same sentence.

We had a spectacular time in the mountains of Colorado. It was beautiful and I can't wait to share more about it along with some pix. But first things first... before we left the cabin on Saturday, Luke called my mom to check in. She wondered if I had gotten her message on my cell phone. Luke explained that there's no cell service in the mountains. This is when we got the news. My dad had passed a blood clot when he went to the bathroom on Friday. This is the second time that happened in 3 months. The first time he didn't think it was that big of a deal I guess, but decided that if it happened again he would get medical attention. So Friday he called the doctor and they said to come in right away. They ran tests and discovered that Dad has a tumor on his bladder. They thought it was only a couple of centimeters at this point, but said that it definitely needed to be removed and that surgery would be scheduled for Monday, June 30th.

So yesterday was the surgery. He checked in at 9:30 a.m., but the surgery didn't begin until 11:05. It was a long wait and dad's not incredibly patient, he just wanted to get it overwith. We had several family members waiting with us and the surgery went pretty quick. We got a little nervous when we were called back only about 20 minutes after the surgery began, but the surgeon said everything went well. The tumor was actually much larger than they originally thought - it was about the size of a walnut. This is when Dr. Werth gave the worst news yet - "it was definately cancerous." He told us that he removed the tumor plus a little more tissue just to be sure. Thankfully they were able to do this via laser rather than to have to open him up. He came out of surgery in good spirits, but Dad is a "no nonsense" kinda guy and really hated everyone fussing over him. He just wanted to get out of there!They injected some chemotherapy medication into his bladder to kill off any cells that may have been lingering after the surgery. This was uncomfortable for him, cuz he kept feeling like he had to "go", but had to keep those meds in there for an hour! Once they drained the chemo meds, he was told that he would have to be able to urinate on his own before he could leave. This took forever! Even though he drank what seemed like tons of water, he just had such a hard time, but he finally was able to void and they discharged him. I was kinda surprised that it was an outpatient procedure. Seemed more serious to me!He went home at 3:30 p.m.

So he got home and again had problems urinating. He ended up in the E.R. around 9:30 p.m. and returned home after midnight. Apparently he had several bloodclots that were causing blockage and preventing him from being able to urinate. Poor guy! They had to irrigate and sent him home with a catheter for a few days until the bladder and all it's associated parts settle down from the surgery and begin to work on their own. I just feel so bad for him, cuz he's a tough guy, you know? He never gets sick and now he's dealing with all this. The worst of it is waiting for the lab work to come back, which we're told could take a week or so. So now we wait. The tumor has been sent in to determine whether it was surface or invasive (meaning that it has crept deeper into the tissue)If it is invasive then they will have to remove the bladder. This is his worst fear - so we are praying that they got all of the tumor and that it hasn't spread. I can't imagine my tough dad with a catheter bag for the rest of his life. Breaks my heart to think about it, but God is so much bigger than all this and I find comfort in the fact that he loves my dad even more than any of us do and that he has his hand on him through this time of uncertainty. We ask you to join us in praying for him to be healed completely and also for that "peace that surpasses all understanding that guards our hearts and minds through Christ, Jesus." (Phillipians 4)Thanks in advance, it means so much!

Stupid Skeeters!

Luke swears that there is some kind of monster bug trying to eat him while we sleep. Funny thing is... I don't produce any bites over night and I sleep in the same bed. He is covered with red, itchy bites (that I'm positive are skeeter produced) We can't seem to agree on this subject, however. Coincidentally - his bites always appear the morning after he's been doing things outside the day or evening before. Last night he began mowing at 9 p.m. and finished by mower light in the dark. Now I think that he was bit outside and they welted overnight, but either way - they are itchy and driving him insane!! I have only one or two but will still commiserate with my precious honey man. Brandon has one on his ankle that's swelled up about the size of a nickel. UGH!

I read an article online that said if you clean the bite with alcohol and put a piece of scotch tape on it that it will draw the "skeeter stuff" out and minimize itching in a matter of minutes. I thought that was pretty cool... dozens of people had posted stating that after reading the article they tried it (out of desperation) and it actually worked, so I will keep that in mind for the next nasty bite I get. I also read that real lemon juice is supposed to be effective.

So.... what do YOU know about skeeter bites and how to treat them? I'd love to share ideas on the subject, what with this being skeeter "season" and all!

Swingtown... Sickening

There's a new show airing on CBS the first week of June and it makes me sick every time the trailer plays. It's called SWINGTOWN, and based on what I've seen so far (I've no desire to see the show)it just makes my stomach turn.


Here's what CBS says about it's upcoming "crowd pleaser":
"SWINGTOWN, from the director of "Big Love" and "Rome," traces two generations of friends and neighbors as they forge intimate connections and explore new freedoms during the culturally transformative decade of the 1970s. It portrays the ever-shifting “swing” of the pendulum that reflected the change in America's collective value system -- morally, politically and socially.After moving to an upscale lakeside Chicago suburb in July of 1976, Susan and Bruce Miller must confront temptation in the form of their provocative new neighbors, Tom and Trina Decker, while not abandoning their old friends Janet and Roger Thompson. As the adult couples evaluate whether to embrace or avoid newfound personal freedoms, the curious Miller and Thompson children begin to discover and assert their own morality and sexual identities as they come of age in a world on the precipice of change. In a shifting social climate -- defined by its music, fashion and style -- everyone in SWINGTOWN is confronted with personal choices, experimentation and varying attitudes."

TV.COM says: "This new period drama takes viewers back to the 1970s for a look at suburban households testing the murky waters of sexual revolution following swingers throughout open marriages, "key parties" and other swingers extravaganzas"

Seriously... and we wonder why there is no value placed on marriage these days?!! What message is this sending to our teenagers? In a world where "everyone is 'doing it'" - we are sending out yet another message that there is absolutely nothing wrong with sleeping around... and worse yet, that it's ok to be unfaithful in marriage. DISGUSTING! I'm totally disappointed in CBS for airing such garbage.Of course I have a choice about what I allow into my home, and this show (among others) will not be viewed on the Hespe's TV. Makes me wonder... what's next?

Too bad the wind never blows in Kansas....

Note hint of sarcasm. :) 81 degrees and 27 mph winds today. YUCK. It seems like we've only had a few calm days in the last month, which stinks... because the kids have been running track and playin softball in this delightful weather. Ciara is at Regional softball today in Mullinville, Ks. I don't even know where that is, but I know that she is ready for it to be over so she can be done with hard practices. I'll be glad when it's done too, because that means my gas bill to Ellis will be cut in half since I won't have to drive in and pick up Tina anymore, they'll all ride home together. Gas is $3.60/gallon here. OUCH!! I worry about the expense of the trips we have planned.

Back to the wind.... poor Sugar, the little doll nearly blows over when I take her outside to do her business. She weighs just under 4 pounds and literally, the wind blew her sideways when I took her out. You can see from the photos what nearly 30 mph winds look like. Our furniture always blows over on the front deck too, even the heavy metal framed glider swing. UGH! I'm just ready for some nice, spring weather before the hot summer sets in. How about you??

Luke's Leg... more surgery

Hey everyone! Just an update about Luke's leg, he's been doing great - but took a fall a couple of weeks ago when he was in Kansas City and then began having some pain. Being the attentive wife I am... I insisted that he see the Doctor earlier than his scheduled appointment. Good news is that he didn't re-injur anything and that the Tibia is healing well and the bone is filling in. Bad news is that the fibula (which was originally shattered) is not at all fusing back together so it's still in pieces. The doc said those bone fragments are probably what was causing the pain after his fall. The plan is to go in on Friday, May 2nd and have the fibula plated. Supposedly this isn't going to be as bad of a surgery and they are talking about only an over night stay. I guess he'll be back on crutches for a couple of weeks, which doesn't really impress him a whole lot - but you've gotta do what you've gotta do. He has a business trip to Phoenix scheduled for the week of the 22nd, so please pray that he is well enough to make it as it's an important one.

That's the scoop. As always we would appreciate your prayers that surgery would go well and that he would have a miraculously speedy recovery. He's just ready to be done with broken legs. Thanks!! :)

Update on teacher meeting

Well... it went ok, I guess. The principal joined us. There were lots of things (emotional things) that I didn't get to say, but in a nutshell the principal explained that kicking her off the team was a snap decision - and she is allowed back on the team because she is a valuable asset, but not without consequence, so she won't be allowed at the next 3 tournaments. At this point I'm not sure if she can be convinced that she should participate - so we'll see. She is pretty humiliated and hurt. We got everything worked out and another, calmer conversation is going to take place between her and the teacher to iron out the rest of the awkwardness of it all. Hopefully it will just go away soon. You know how small towns are, the rumor is going around among the students how she "let everyone down" by not going to this thing. I guess it was a way bigger deal than any of us realized. When all was said and done, all parties involved agree that this was an experience that we all learned from and the conference ended on positive, friendly terms - so I'm thankful for that, and for your prayers. Now...we just wanna move on and forget about it. Hope this gossipy little town will let us. Oh, I do hate the drama. This too shall pass.

Thanks to those of you that offered your support and prayers... you have no idea how much that means to a confused, hurting mom, you're the best! :)

"For when I am weak, then I am strong"

"But He said to me, My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong." (2 Corinthians 12:9-10)

Ok, I'm weak. There, I said it. Praise you God that you're strong for me! I truly believe that I feel this way because I have not made time in the midst of chaos to "tap into the vine" John 5:5 says "I am the vine; you are the branches. The one who remains in Me and I in him produces much fruit, because you can do nothing without Me." "YOU CAN DO NOTHING WITHOUT ME". I truly believe that apart from God we will have struggles far beyond what we can comprehend.

I know some that "search within themselves" to make their way through this world. It is all up to them. YUCK. I don't want it to be all up to me, cuz for sure... I'll mess it up! The only hope I have is in Christ and his promises. I sincerely can't for the life of me figure out how people live a Godless life, not to say that I'm so righteous, but I recognize my need for a Savior, a deliverer from this pathetic world. I've learned that God is the only one that never disappoints. What a revelation that was! and here all this time I've been taking my problems and woes to those around me instead of taking them directly to the one that has the power to affect change! Shame on me for wondering why nothing's happening when I'm not seeking him out in the midst of my trials. (which according to James make me stronger...yay, there is a point to all this!*smile*)

Maybe I've been trying to do things on my own too much, maybe that's why I feel so anxious and overwhelmed, maybe even "attacked". I don't know - things at our house have been wild lately. I wonder if it's any more wild than usual or if I'm just responding differently because I'm not "prayed up" like I know I should be, like I'm most comfortable being. Seems like there are so many demands thrown at me some days, I dont' even know where to begin. Right now we are having a conflict with one of Ciara's teachers and Luke and I get to go in and talk to her this afternoon, at our request. It doesn't matter what age your kids are,a momma still feels the need to protect her babies. We are trying to teach our daughter to handle things on her own and make some of her own decisions to prepare her for adulthood, but then we still have to be there to catch her when she falls. Apparently she made a bad decision to not participate in a forensics tournament this last monday (in which she would have had to be up at 3 a.m. and drive into town to be on a bus by 4:30 a.m. and on a school day - which happened to be the first day of her softball practice) and so she has been kicked off the team. Not so funny thing is that there are other kids that didn't go and they are still allowed to participate. Ciara is being singled out because "she is such a valuable part of the team" GRR!! Not only that, the teacher blamed a lot of things on Ciara that weren't really her fault or responsiblity (aka... the teacher's babysitting problem) Give me a break! So... anyhoo.... yeah, that's what I have to look forward to today. Please pray for us, for wisdom and strength and that we would handle ourselves in a way that honors God. Thanks!

"For when I am weak, then I am strong."

I will repeat this to myself until I do indeed feel strong. *smile* Thanks for listenin'!!

Integrity

Webster's dictionary says that integrity is:

1.intactness. 2. firmness of character, honesty.

I say that it's doing what you say you're going to do and not doing what you say you're not going to do. I remember when someone's "word" meant something. Not anymore. I get so frustrated with people in this world that have no integrity, and today I just need to vent.

OK...so last January Luke was attempting to fix a drippy shower head in our master bath shower, somehow the wrench slipped out of his hand and made a big hole in the bottom of our shower. Well, obviously the shower can't be used this way, so I look in the phone book for bathtub repair, I have no idea if there is such thing, but I start digging in the yellow pages anyway. I find a company called BathCrest. I call and the lady comes out and makes the repair on the shower - patching it with fiberglass and sanding it and refinishing it. When she gets done, I look in and it doesn't match and that spot is shinier than all the rest of the shower. She says, " that'll be $130.00" (to fix a 4 inch hole) I'm thinking Geesh! But the shower was useless before the repair so I pay it. A week or 2 later we discover that water is dripping into the basement onto the foosball table. She had missed a crack. We call to get her back out here to finish the job and set up a time. We were headed to Nebraska that Saturday, but I told her come on out my mom will let you in so you can make the repair. She agreed. When we get home we see about a 3x16 inch strip of black, rough material in the shower. Um... what's going on here? Mom said that the lady told her we should try it and make sure it doesn't leak, then she'd come out and do the finish work. A week passed by and everything was fine. I've been trying to get her out here ever since. GRR!!!!!!!!!

I've called probably 25 or 30 times in the last year, leaving messages with her "answering service" aka... people who could care less. She would never return a call. In November, I finally wrote a letter and said look, we just want you to finish the job, a year is long enough. Still no response. So I put in one last phone call to her answering service and this time I asked them to write down word for word what I was saying. "If I do not hear from you by the end of next week... I will be calling the headquarters of this company and filing a formal complaint." No response. So I called the headquarters... they acted like there wasn't much they could do, but that they would call her and let her know that we were trying to get a hold of her. (Oh brother, I am ready to punch something or someone by this point) Wouldn't you know that she answered their phone call and I heard back from them the same day saying she'd be calling me. About a week later she called and had a list of excuses 5 miles long about why she couldn't get out here in the last year. (I'm thinking SAVE IT! I know... you've already been paid and you just don't care about our problem) She promised me that she would definitely be out here and have the job completed before Christmas. Guess what... it's still not done. I put in another phone call this morning to the answering service. Any bets on if I get a call back?

So... what is integrity and where can I find a person that has some?

Winter “Affections”

Winter, you’re early… oh how I love you!
My warm breath swirls in the air as I take you in.
Through frosty windows I marvel at the first snow,
each flake so unique, so perfect... so beautiful.
The pumpkins and trees are clothed with a shimmering, pearly coat.
Maybe we’ll have a white Christmas this year.

Winter… you’ve given us ice, we shiver.
The power lines weigh heavy,
and the evergreens bow down involuntarily from the weight.
Now a blanket of powdery snow covers the earth and everything in it.
It’s too magnificent not to share.
We’ll capture smiling faces with the frozen creek as our backdrop.
It’s amazing!
Oops, Ciara and I have both slipped on the ice –
her ankle throbs and my camera is broken.

Winter… you’ve dumped several inches of snow on us.
It was pretty as it came down, but how will we get out the door?
Brandon will spend hours shoveling alone,
as Luke’s broken leg won’t allow him to get out and help.
So my boy makes a path for us all as Trixie dog prances in the snow.
“Snow plow man” Grandpa Don and his bobcat clear the driveways.
Thank God for him!He also helps pick up the slack as Luke continues to heal.

Winter, why don’t you like me?
More snow and blizzard like conditions…
I haven’t seen this much winter weather in the last 5 years combined!
I’m worried about how the kids will get to school safely.
School is never delayed or called off for bad weather, how unnerving.
Should I keep the kids home or should I drive them myself
and hope that we’ll be alright?
Luke sits in the grassy median off interstate near Russell,
waiting for a tow truck to wench him and his Toyota Tacoma out.
I praise God that my husband is unharmed,
but I still feel anxious about him being on the road.
He travels on to Wichita alone… just him and his broken leg.
I hope that his cane and careful steps will keep him from falling -
on the ice that refuses to melt.

Winter – you’re giving us temperatures in the teens and single digits, BRR!
The snow won’t disappear we all complain about the cold.
As I brave the weather, the piercing air cuts right through my scarf
and coat - it chills me to the bone.
I can’t seem to get warm. Where is the sun? I miss it.
My lips burn from the howling, icy winds, my eyes sting and tear.
I scurry for shelter, shelter from you and the elements.
Where can I go to get away from you?

Winter… oh how I hate you!
You depress me, I’m so sick of you.
You’ve stolen autumn from me and cause me nothing but worry.
How dare you!I wish you’d go away, you are no longer welcome here.
I want to hear the birds sing,
I want to feel the warmth of the sun on my face.
I want to go somewhere without piling on layers of clothing,
to protect myself from you. I want to breathe warm, fresh air that doesn’t stab my lungs and freeze my nostrils. Why did you have to come so early and when will you depart? It won’t be soon enough for me!
Oh, I do hate you, winter.

***************************************************************

I know how silly it is to say that I "hate" winter, but I wrote this poem for no reason other than to vent my frustrations with the miserable winter we've had so far. Maybe I'm just a wimp, but It's been rough and somewhat depressing already and I can hardly wait for spring. I just hope our spring lasts longer than our autumn did! Tina commented that we don't have fall in Kansas. Tell me about it! :)So there you have it... yet another - jamimania type rambling. :)

GRR!!

Ok, I know that "family stuff" comes up, but I feel really frustrated. I've been waiting more than 6 weeks to get in to see the neurologist - after all this time of wondering and trying to be patient - I get a phone call this morning that I will have to reschedule my appointment that was scheduled for Nov. 1st. GRR! Apparently the doctor had something come up that he had to leave town and the receptionist "hopes" that he will back in time for my rescheduled appointmet at 1:00 on November 7th. (sigh) Ok, I hope whatever the Doc. had to leave town for all works out, but I just wanna get this appointment over with so I know what I need to do next. After I received that phone call this morning, I thought to myself "I haven't prayed for patience recently have I?" *smile* Seems that whether I did or not, my patience is being tested for sure. At least it's only an extra week, for that I'm grateful. The bad thing is, Luke rescheduled his whole week of work to be here with me for the appointment and now he's supposed to be in Georgia next week on a work related trip, so most likely won't be able to come with me. GRR!

Enough growling... just thot I'd get an update to those of you who are trying to keep up with all this.... uh... "excitement" :) I'd still appreciate your prayers next week. Thanks in advance, for your prayer support, it means so much!

Jami

Uncertainty (long post, sorry)

Uncertainty ~ The quality or state of being uncertain. Falling short of certainty to an almost complete lack of conviction or knowledge especially about an outcome or result.

Uncertain is what I am right now and it's driving me crazy! It all started with a routine eye exam the last week of September. I've been having slight headaches and feeling like I am straining to have clear vision. My vision is fine, it's unchanged - but when doing the visual acuities he discovered a couple of blind spots in the peripheral vision of my left eye, so he decided to take a closer look. His discovery was that I have swollen optic nerves - also known as papiledema. What does this mean and why do I have it?

My doctor was very kind and patient in his explanation that generally papiledema is symptomatic of another problem. The swelling of the optic nerve is most commonly due to increased intracranial pressure. (pressure in the head,excessive spinal fluid or some such thing) It could be caused from something as simple as a reaction to medication or something as complex as a brain tumor. Well I'm not on any medication that would do this, so I start to feel nervous. He said that he didn't want to alarm me, but that I defnitely should have it checked out, so he called my family doctor for a referral for an MRI.

MRI's - if you've never had one, consider yourself lucky. It's not painful... it's just that the room was freezing cold and you're shoved into this tube for long periods of time and you can't move or flinch. Of course this is the time that you have a fuzzy on your nose, you have to sneeze or worse yet... you have to use the restroom. UGH! After 2 hours worth of this and having them poke around trying to inject dye into my veins for the final tests, I was done and ready to get the heck out of there. I told Luke that I think our government could use MRI's as a form of torture to get people to talk. Just give them about 6 cups of coffee,strip them down and spray them with water and send them into that cold machine for 2 hours without a bathroom break. I think it would be a quite effective method!!

My sweet husband was kind enough to take me to IHOP for breakfast, though I admit I wasn't very good company. I trust God with my life... but in my humanity my mind was going wild! "Are those tests gonna show a brain tumor? Am I gonna die? But I want to live to see my kids graduate, get married.... I wanna be here to enjoy my grandchildren... I'm only 37!" I really can only explain this state of being as torturous. I'm not generally a very patient person, something I'm not proud of... but the waiting for these test results about put me over the edge.I don't think doctors understand our mental state in these types of situations otherwise they would feel a sense of urgency about calling us with test results!

I finally got a call from my doctor 4 days later. (that was a long weekend) For some reason he was irritated that he had been asked to refer me for an MRI without seeing me. I don't know what he thought he was going to do when he got me there... look at my optic nerves to confirm they were indeed swollen? DUH! He said something about since he hadn't seen me in the office and we were trying to do this all over the phone... (so!?) then he proceeded to tell me that he doesn't think his patients realize how much time it takes to fill out the paperwork to make those test referrals. (Translated, "I'm irritated with you because you didn't pay me for an office visit and I'm having to mess with you!") Ok... WHATEVER! At this point he's about got me in tears because I think I could die and he's worried about a $57.00 office visit. (jerk) There's more to that conversation, but long story short the MRI did NOT show a brain tumor or aneurism or any signs of Multiple Sclerosis, which is the big things they were ruling out. Praise God for that!

What the MRI did show - I have a cyst on my brain. What?! Apparently this small cyst has been there for a while, but I don't know how long. I don't know where it is exactly, or what type it is (there are several types, some to worry about and some not to worry about)So I had bloodwork done and am waiting for results to find out if there's a problem with my pituitary gland or if there is something else going on. And I'm currently waiting for an appointment with a neurologist to find out what the heck this cyst is doing there and what I need to do about it. Of course the soonest appointment I could get with them is in December which is 2 months from now - I could be insane from worry by then. UGH!!!!! I did find another neurologist that can get me in sometime in November so I'm waiting for them to call me and set the appointment. All I know is that it couldn't be soon enough for me!

My husband is the best. I don't know how many people he's got praying for me, but I know there are people I've never even heard of that are praying. I mostly need God to calm my heart and help me to trust him with the outcome as I wait to find out what is really going on with me. I'll be honest, I'm just a little scared. I need God to pour out his peace, mercy and grace over me - that I would rest in him as I wait. That's just so hard to do. I really have to force myself every day to get up and move. I'm lethargic and feel overcome with uncertainty and it is really difficult to deal with. When my eyes ache or I have a headache my mind races wondering if it's caused by something serious or if it's just a sinus or tension headache. I think about the dizzy spells I've had in the last couple of years and how forgetful I am sometimes and wonder if these things are random or a result of what I'm dealing with now. I don't wanna to make my family nuts talking about it so I mostly keep it to myself - I dont' want them to worry. It may be be NOTHING - but I am eager to be certain about what is or is not going on with me. Oh why does the time go so slow in situations like these?!

Anyway, it felt good to vent all this. This isn't the kind of thing you just talk about casually with an acquaintance in the grocery store and I think I just needed to express these emotions. I love the life God has given me. I'm not afraid to die, but I just wanna keep living it for a while longer. There may be nothing wrong with me (please God)- but life is uncertain, that's one thing I've learned from all this. Enjoy every day God's given you, trust Him with your life, and take nothing for granted.

Driver's Test

Ok... so my birthday is coming up, and let's face it... when you start to get "up there in age" there are not that many exciting things about having a birthday!I walk out to the mailbox the other day, pull out a wad of envelopes. (most of them fabulous credit card offers and junk mail)I come in the house and start filing it away (trash) and discover.... A STUPID WRITTEN DRIVER'S TEST!!! UGH! Why? Now this I just don't understand. Luke and I moved to Kansas at the same time, so wouldn't you think that he would have been due to take a written too? Oh no... just me! So I start thinking about WHY I would have to do this. I have not had a speeding ticket since 1998, much less any other traffic violation. My darling, lead footed husband on the other hand, has had numerous speeding tickets since we moved to Kansas.

This is where I stomp my feet like a spoiled child and declare, "It's not FAIR!" So, I guess I'd better get to it. Thank goodness it's open book. Maybe I can get my soon to be 16 year old to help me, it will be a good review, and she should know all this right? ;)

Stay off the sidewalks... Ciara will be 16 tomorrow! *smile*

I hate driver's tests.