GRR!!

Ok, I know that "family stuff" comes up, but I feel really frustrated. I've been waiting more than 6 weeks to get in to see the neurologist - after all this time of wondering and trying to be patient - I get a phone call this morning that I will have to reschedule my appointment that was scheduled for Nov. 1st. GRR! Apparently the doctor had something come up that he had to leave town and the receptionist "hopes" that he will back in time for my rescheduled appointmet at 1:00 on November 7th. (sigh) Ok, I hope whatever the Doc. had to leave town for all works out, but I just wanna get this appointment over with so I know what I need to do next. After I received that phone call this morning, I thought to myself "I haven't prayed for patience recently have I?" *smile* Seems that whether I did or not, my patience is being tested for sure. At least it's only an extra week, for that I'm grateful. The bad thing is, Luke rescheduled his whole week of work to be here with me for the appointment and now he's supposed to be in Georgia next week on a work related trip, so most likely won't be able to come with me. GRR!

Enough growling... just thot I'd get an update to those of you who are trying to keep up with all this.... uh... "excitement" :) I'd still appreciate your prayers next week. Thanks in advance, for your prayer support, it means so much!

Jami

"The World Is Morally Bankrupt"

"The world is morally bankrupt, and the gold that redeems it from its bankruptcy is righteousness. And what is righteousness? Righteousness is holiness in longing. And holiness is a hunger for God's approval."
Calvin Miller

I just added this quote to my page this morning. I LOVE IT! It comes from the book "Conversations With Jesus" by Calvin Miller. I find his writing to be so refreshing and so touching. The book is written in the perspective of a person seeking Christ, and what Christ's response might be. It's just so different than any other devotional type book I've ever read. If you're looking to have a time with God each day but you don't have much time - I'd definitely recommend this book!

So... "the world is morally bankrupt" That is an understatement. It really is quite sickening to take a look around and see what people think is acceptable. I'm embarrassed to watch TV commercials with my kids sometimes! I mean, let's face it, Victoria doesn't have any secrets!! I think the lines of morality have been blurred so much that people don't know which side is which. Right and wrong is relative? It's different for you, it's different for me.... Where do people get these kinds of ideas? Even non-believers have a certain level of morality - knowing right from wrong. One would think then that believers should be held to even a higher standard of morality. I admit, in an effort to survive in this world, I find myself struggling to know how far is too far. I feel bombarded by the world and its ideas about what is O.K. or not O.K. One thing is for certain, that straight and narrow path that leads to eternity is so much harder than the smooth, paved, wide one that most travel to nowhere.

I think many measure themselves against the world's standard and not God's standard. What a difference it would make if we would compare ourselves to Christ instead of those around us. Jesus is the standard. That's convicting, huh? When's the last time we hungered for GOD'S approval? Holiness ~ hungering for God's approval...that's what I long for. That's what I need. That's what He wants from me.

Chilled....

BRR.... it's cold here, 37 degrees over night and a high today of around 70 - that's an improvement from the initial forecast that gave a high of 58. I do love fall though, so I can't even complain... it's just that it seems so crazy to turn on the furnace on October 16th. :) I think what's worst about it is that Luke is a stinker about the thermostat in our house, we're supposed to be comfortable in the summer with a house that's close to 80 degrees, but then in a matter of a few weeks we expect our bodies to adjust to 67. I know that I can speak for most women when I say... "I don't think so!" I guess I'm a wimp. ha ha. But seriously, I think my body thermostat has issues, because it's a rare thing that I'm comfortable, I'm either hot or cold. I know... old age does that to a person. Tina has never been exposed to such extreme temperatures (100 in the summer and 30 and below in the winter)so she is really whining about how cold it is. I think she asked me 3 times yesterday when we could go shopping for some warmer clothes for her, so I told her we'll go buy a coat and some sweatshirts this weekend.

Speaking of chilled, I guess I'm more chilled since my last post. My bloodwork came back normal and even showed that I'm not showing any signs of early menopause - which is a relief cuz I was starting to wonder about that. So, that's good news, but then what is causing the swollen optic nerves? I did get an appointment for the neurologist on November 1st, so I hope that I'll get answers then. I wanna know about the cyst and I hope he'll be able to tell me more about it from looking at the MRI. I guess the way I feel about it is that the neurologists look at this stuff every day so they should be more trained to know what is there since they have others to compare with. I find that encouraging somehow. So for now I am chilled. :)

Uncertainty (long post, sorry)

Uncertainty ~ The quality or state of being uncertain. Falling short of certainty to an almost complete lack of conviction or knowledge especially about an outcome or result.

Uncertain is what I am right now and it's driving me crazy! It all started with a routine eye exam the last week of September. I've been having slight headaches and feeling like I am straining to have clear vision. My vision is fine, it's unchanged - but when doing the visual acuities he discovered a couple of blind spots in the peripheral vision of my left eye, so he decided to take a closer look. His discovery was that I have swollen optic nerves - also known as papiledema. What does this mean and why do I have it?

My doctor was very kind and patient in his explanation that generally papiledema is symptomatic of another problem. The swelling of the optic nerve is most commonly due to increased intracranial pressure. (pressure in the head,excessive spinal fluid or some such thing) It could be caused from something as simple as a reaction to medication or something as complex as a brain tumor. Well I'm not on any medication that would do this, so I start to feel nervous. He said that he didn't want to alarm me, but that I defnitely should have it checked out, so he called my family doctor for a referral for an MRI.

MRI's - if you've never had one, consider yourself lucky. It's not painful... it's just that the room was freezing cold and you're shoved into this tube for long periods of time and you can't move or flinch. Of course this is the time that you have a fuzzy on your nose, you have to sneeze or worse yet... you have to use the restroom. UGH! After 2 hours worth of this and having them poke around trying to inject dye into my veins for the final tests, I was done and ready to get the heck out of there. I told Luke that I think our government could use MRI's as a form of torture to get people to talk. Just give them about 6 cups of coffee,strip them down and spray them with water and send them into that cold machine for 2 hours without a bathroom break. I think it would be a quite effective method!!

My sweet husband was kind enough to take me to IHOP for breakfast, though I admit I wasn't very good company. I trust God with my life... but in my humanity my mind was going wild! "Are those tests gonna show a brain tumor? Am I gonna die? But I want to live to see my kids graduate, get married.... I wanna be here to enjoy my grandchildren... I'm only 37!" I really can only explain this state of being as torturous. I'm not generally a very patient person, something I'm not proud of... but the waiting for these test results about put me over the edge.I don't think doctors understand our mental state in these types of situations otherwise they would feel a sense of urgency about calling us with test results!

I finally got a call from my doctor 4 days later. (that was a long weekend) For some reason he was irritated that he had been asked to refer me for an MRI without seeing me. I don't know what he thought he was going to do when he got me there... look at my optic nerves to confirm they were indeed swollen? DUH! He said something about since he hadn't seen me in the office and we were trying to do this all over the phone... (so!?) then he proceeded to tell me that he doesn't think his patients realize how much time it takes to fill out the paperwork to make those test referrals. (Translated, "I'm irritated with you because you didn't pay me for an office visit and I'm having to mess with you!") Ok... WHATEVER! At this point he's about got me in tears because I think I could die and he's worried about a $57.00 office visit. (jerk) There's more to that conversation, but long story short the MRI did NOT show a brain tumor or aneurism or any signs of Multiple Sclerosis, which is the big things they were ruling out. Praise God for that!

What the MRI did show - I have a cyst on my brain. What?! Apparently this small cyst has been there for a while, but I don't know how long. I don't know where it is exactly, or what type it is (there are several types, some to worry about and some not to worry about)So I had bloodwork done and am waiting for results to find out if there's a problem with my pituitary gland or if there is something else going on. And I'm currently waiting for an appointment with a neurologist to find out what the heck this cyst is doing there and what I need to do about it. Of course the soonest appointment I could get with them is in December which is 2 months from now - I could be insane from worry by then. UGH!!!!! I did find another neurologist that can get me in sometime in November so I'm waiting for them to call me and set the appointment. All I know is that it couldn't be soon enough for me!

My husband is the best. I don't know how many people he's got praying for me, but I know there are people I've never even heard of that are praying. I mostly need God to calm my heart and help me to trust him with the outcome as I wait to find out what is really going on with me. I'll be honest, I'm just a little scared. I need God to pour out his peace, mercy and grace over me - that I would rest in him as I wait. That's just so hard to do. I really have to force myself every day to get up and move. I'm lethargic and feel overcome with uncertainty and it is really difficult to deal with. When my eyes ache or I have a headache my mind races wondering if it's caused by something serious or if it's just a sinus or tension headache. I think about the dizzy spells I've had in the last couple of years and how forgetful I am sometimes and wonder if these things are random or a result of what I'm dealing with now. I don't wanna to make my family nuts talking about it so I mostly keep it to myself - I dont' want them to worry. It may be be NOTHING - but I am eager to be certain about what is or is not going on with me. Oh why does the time go so slow in situations like these?!

Anyway, it felt good to vent all this. This isn't the kind of thing you just talk about casually with an acquaintance in the grocery store and I think I just needed to express these emotions. I love the life God has given me. I'm not afraid to die, but I just wanna keep living it for a while longer. There may be nothing wrong with me (please God)- but life is uncertain, that's one thing I've learned from all this. Enjoy every day God's given you, trust Him with your life, and take nothing for granted.

Perspective

"Can’t see the forest for the trees..."

An expression used of someone who is too involved in the details of a problem to look at the situation as a whole.


I've been searching high and low for my fall decorations. I've got big, deep rubbermaid totes that I keep my holiday and seasonal decorations in and each one is marked with Christmas, everyday, fall, etc. Well I've been looking for the tote marked Fall and couldn't seem to find it anywhere until today. I was so frustrated because it could only be in 1 of 2 places - the freezer room or the furnace room, where we store stuff. I've probably looked for it 3 times, but for some reason when I walked into the store room today I happened to glance down straight ahead as I walked in and under the overhang of a wide corrugated box I see the Fall decorations! I wasn't looking there because I was surrounded by all this "stuff" and couldn't see what was in front of me all along.

This may not seem like that exciting of an event, but it reminded me of the saying "Can't see the forest for the trees" because sometimes the obvious thing is right in front of you but you can't see it because you're standing too close, you're in the thick of it. I think in our human-ness we choose to stay in the middle of it rather than to back up and see what is before us. The big picture. We're so busy and preoccupied with the task. I know I've found myself in this situation many times.

For me, I feel as if I need to really step back and look up. To see the big picture, to contemplate "God's plan". I'm greatful that He is always there waiting to hear from me. I'm gonna try harder to not stay in the thick of a problem and tackle it on my own, but rather to step back and do the obvious - Seek Him. Then I will see more clearly what it is I'm looking for and what it is God has for me.

"Every good and perfect gift is from above and comes down from the Father of lights."
James 1:17