Uncertainty (long post, sorry)

Uncertainty ~ The quality or state of being uncertain. Falling short of certainty to an almost complete lack of conviction or knowledge especially about an outcome or result.

Uncertain is what I am right now and it's driving me crazy! It all started with a routine eye exam the last week of September. I've been having slight headaches and feeling like I am straining to have clear vision. My vision is fine, it's unchanged - but when doing the visual acuities he discovered a couple of blind spots in the peripheral vision of my left eye, so he decided to take a closer look. His discovery was that I have swollen optic nerves - also known as papiledema. What does this mean and why do I have it?

My doctor was very kind and patient in his explanation that generally papiledema is symptomatic of another problem. The swelling of the optic nerve is most commonly due to increased intracranial pressure. (pressure in the head,excessive spinal fluid or some such thing) It could be caused from something as simple as a reaction to medication or something as complex as a brain tumor. Well I'm not on any medication that would do this, so I start to feel nervous. He said that he didn't want to alarm me, but that I defnitely should have it checked out, so he called my family doctor for a referral for an MRI.

MRI's - if you've never had one, consider yourself lucky. It's not painful... it's just that the room was freezing cold and you're shoved into this tube for long periods of time and you can't move or flinch. Of course this is the time that you have a fuzzy on your nose, you have to sneeze or worse yet... you have to use the restroom. UGH! After 2 hours worth of this and having them poke around trying to inject dye into my veins for the final tests, I was done and ready to get the heck out of there. I told Luke that I think our government could use MRI's as a form of torture to get people to talk. Just give them about 6 cups of coffee,strip them down and spray them with water and send them into that cold machine for 2 hours without a bathroom break. I think it would be a quite effective method!!

My sweet husband was kind enough to take me to IHOP for breakfast, though I admit I wasn't very good company. I trust God with my life... but in my humanity my mind was going wild! "Are those tests gonna show a brain tumor? Am I gonna die? But I want to live to see my kids graduate, get married.... I wanna be here to enjoy my grandchildren... I'm only 37!" I really can only explain this state of being as torturous. I'm not generally a very patient person, something I'm not proud of... but the waiting for these test results about put me over the edge.I don't think doctors understand our mental state in these types of situations otherwise they would feel a sense of urgency about calling us with test results!

I finally got a call from my doctor 4 days later. (that was a long weekend) For some reason he was irritated that he had been asked to refer me for an MRI without seeing me. I don't know what he thought he was going to do when he got me there... look at my optic nerves to confirm they were indeed swollen? DUH! He said something about since he hadn't seen me in the office and we were trying to do this all over the phone... (so!?) then he proceeded to tell me that he doesn't think his patients realize how much time it takes to fill out the paperwork to make those test referrals. (Translated, "I'm irritated with you because you didn't pay me for an office visit and I'm having to mess with you!") Ok... WHATEVER! At this point he's about got me in tears because I think I could die and he's worried about a $57.00 office visit. (jerk) There's more to that conversation, but long story short the MRI did NOT show a brain tumor or aneurism or any signs of Multiple Sclerosis, which is the big things they were ruling out. Praise God for that!

What the MRI did show - I have a cyst on my brain. What?! Apparently this small cyst has been there for a while, but I don't know how long. I don't know where it is exactly, or what type it is (there are several types, some to worry about and some not to worry about)So I had bloodwork done and am waiting for results to find out if there's a problem with my pituitary gland or if there is something else going on. And I'm currently waiting for an appointment with a neurologist to find out what the heck this cyst is doing there and what I need to do about it. Of course the soonest appointment I could get with them is in December which is 2 months from now - I could be insane from worry by then. UGH!!!!! I did find another neurologist that can get me in sometime in November so I'm waiting for them to call me and set the appointment. All I know is that it couldn't be soon enough for me!

My husband is the best. I don't know how many people he's got praying for me, but I know there are people I've never even heard of that are praying. I mostly need God to calm my heart and help me to trust him with the outcome as I wait to find out what is really going on with me. I'll be honest, I'm just a little scared. I need God to pour out his peace, mercy and grace over me - that I would rest in him as I wait. That's just so hard to do. I really have to force myself every day to get up and move. I'm lethargic and feel overcome with uncertainty and it is really difficult to deal with. When my eyes ache or I have a headache my mind races wondering if it's caused by something serious or if it's just a sinus or tension headache. I think about the dizzy spells I've had in the last couple of years and how forgetful I am sometimes and wonder if these things are random or a result of what I'm dealing with now. I don't wanna to make my family nuts talking about it so I mostly keep it to myself - I dont' want them to worry. It may be be NOTHING - but I am eager to be certain about what is or is not going on with me. Oh why does the time go so slow in situations like these?!

Anyway, it felt good to vent all this. This isn't the kind of thing you just talk about casually with an acquaintance in the grocery store and I think I just needed to express these emotions. I love the life God has given me. I'm not afraid to die, but I just wanna keep living it for a while longer. There may be nothing wrong with me (please God)- but life is uncertain, that's one thing I've learned from all this. Enjoy every day God's given you, trust Him with your life, and take nothing for granted.